When our calm becomes their calm: how to help your child borrow your nervous system for emotional regulation.

In the last couple of years, the words regulation and disregulation have become increasingly common. I find them useful because they describe someone’s emotional state (adult or child) without judgment. Instead of labeling a child as angry, frustrated or overexcited (yes, that’s also a form of disregulation), the term disregulation captures the essence of an emotional state that is temporarily out of balance, without adding blame or judgment.

Of course, regulation and disregulation are not simply opposites. I imagine a spectrum: regulation at one end, disregulation at the other, and a wide range of intermediate states in between. Our human experience is constant flow in and out of a state of regulation. Think about it: it’s not just major events that shift us. There are many small, apparently insignificant moments in daily life that can tilt our balance (i.e. spilling coffee over your pants just as you get to work, misplacing your keys, getting stuck at a "stop & go" when you are running late, etc) and our ability to “bounce back” depends on our emotional maturity, resilience and age.

The age factor brings us to a crucial difference between adults and children. Children’s brains and nervous systems are still developing into their early twenties. That means their first two decades are largely spent learning how to regulate: recognizing, naming, accepting, and managing emotions; navigating multiple emotions at once; and discovering strategies to regain balance. These skills form the foundation of emotional maturity and resilience.

*Disclaimer: many adults, even with a fully developed nervous system, have not mastered self-regulation, often because of the way they were raised or their early emotional environment as children (let's just think that over 90% of the brain’s growth happens in the first six years of life, a time when experiences strongly shape the neural pathways we use for life). But the good news is that we can learn it at any stage. Because later is better than never.

Now, I don’t have any secrets you haven’t probably already read in a parenting book, seen in an Instagram reel or heard in a podcast. But my intention with this post is to serve as a compass, something you can return to when you need to remind yourself of the basics. Another important disclaimer: by basics, I don’t mean simple; I mean the foundation. And building a strong foundation (whether for a house or for your child’s emotional wellbeing) is rarely simple!

Human truths about disregulation:

1. Nobody is always regulated. Everyone gets disregulated, and parents are not immune to that! Behind every parent there is a person, with their own emotions, triggers, hard days.

2. While it's true parents are not immune to disregulation, it's also true that our nervous system is fully formed, and that means we have the potential to practice self-regulation. If we haven’t yet learned strategies that work for us, it’s our responsibility to build that skill - through therapy, coaching, mindfulness, breathwork or other practices.

3. Progress, not perfection, is the goal. You won’t achieve a 100% success rate every time, and that’s okay. Nobody ever does, at anything. However, trying anyway matters more than never starting (because that guarantees a 0% success rate).

How to stay calm when your child is disregulated:

Think of your nervous system like a lighthouse. In the storm of your child’s big emotions, they’re looking for that steady beam to guide them back to shore. If your own light flickers or shuts down, they can’t find their way!

Your child’s big emotions can trigger your own. Staying calm isn’t about ignoring your feelings — it’s about managing your state so you can respond in a helpful way. The goal is for your child to tune in to your calm, not for you to get pulled into theirs.

Here are some techniques that can help:

• Pause before you react. Even a few seconds can stop an automatic reaction that escalate the situation. Count to three, take a breath or just stay silent while paying attention to what’s happening. That tiny pause can be the difference between a calm correction and a heated back-and-forth you’ll regret later.

• Notice your body. Are your shoulders tight? Is your jaw clenched? Do you feel your chest racing, or heat rising in the back of your neck? Our bodies often show stress before our minds do. Noticing our somatic experience in the moment is the first step in gaining understanding of our reactions, and find ways to release tension.

• Breathe intentionally. Deep, steady breaths reset your nervous system faster than any pep talk. Try inhaling for four counts, holding for two, exhaling for six. Repeat a few times. It sounds simple, but it really works. Think of it as giving your nervous system a little “reset button”.

• Step back if needed. As long as your child is safe, a short pause allows you to regroup and approach with more presence. Walk to another room for a few breaths, grab a glass of water, or simply count silently. Returning with more calmness makes your guidance more effective.

• Find a mantra or two that work for you. Repeat them in your head to stay anchored.

  Examples:

  • “This is a moment in time. It’s not all the time.” — perspective.

  • “When they make me struggle, it’s because they’re struggling more.” — empathy.

  • “My calm helps their calm.” — a gentle reminder of your influence.

Personal note: I have the first one written on a post-it on our fridge. The first time I read it, it felt like a light bulb went on in my brain. That’s when I knew I needed to remind myself more often. It’s a small but powerful anchor.

• Know your triggers. Anticipating challenging moments gives you a head start on staying regulated. Maybe it’s mornings, homework time, or mealtime battles. Noticing patterns lets you plan small strategies to keep yourself steady before the storm hits.

• Build a daily “calm reserve.” Sleep, movement, connection, and small breaks increase your capacity to remain steady under pressure. Think of it as banking emotional energy: the more you have stored, the more you can draw from in stressful moments.

The takeaway.

Helping a child through disregulation begins with us, the adults. Our role isn’t to fix their feelings in the moment: it’s to provide enough calm so you can both navigate the storm.

Focus on building your own skills and awareness first. Notice what helps you stay steady and practice those strategies: every time you pause, breathe or repeat your mantra, you’re strengthening your ability to change your default reaction. And give yourself grace when you don’t get it right.

And when your lighthouse does flicker or shut down (because, as we said, we won't get it right every time), give yourself grace. You can repair, reconnect and model how relationships recover after difficult moments.